Sun safety tips courtesy of www.theonion.com. Disclaimer: for any of the baby boomers generation this is a joke. Enjoy:
Sun Safety Tips
When summer rolls around, everybody wants that perfect tan--but it's important to play it smart. Here are some tips for safe, sensible tanning:- Block out harmful UV rays with giant magnifying glass
- Always sit at least 100 yards from sun
- When applying sunscreen, get children on the beach to help with those hard-to-reach spots
- UV rays can damage the corneas; don't forget to rub a good sunscreen into your eyes
- Risk of sunburn is especially high while swimming; strap on a thick lead suit before entering water
- Instead of using our sun, sunbathe using safer, more distant star like Beta-Sirius
- When tanning, always alternate who's on top
- Avoid harmful UV rays; live underground until your descendants evolve into eyeless, albino mole people
- Before going outside, check sun's strength by placing test baby in driveway for 1/2 hour
- Stabbings, while tanning or not, are very dangerous—avoid them
- For those raised in a red-sun environment, yellow sun may cause superpowers; use only for good
- Tanning is safest when done in short spurts; disrobe for just a couple of seconds every few blocks while walking through town
- Allow thick, protective melanoma to grow all over skin
- Avoid suntanning on inner planets like Mercury and Venus
- Coat body in "seagull-nip"; wait for protective coat of seagulls to cover body
